Life & Ramblings

2018 πŸ’— a look back

We are a good couple weeks into 2019 and I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that it’s been a time of ~reflection~* and appreciation~** but here I am doing just that and adding my voice to the masses of possibly deluded people who believe that the next year will be life changing!!!! Last year I set 21 goals/resolutions/that kind of thing for myself in 7 areas, so I want to look back and see what happened with all those things I started the year wanting to do.

My goal for basically my whole life is to balance being at peace with myself while also trying to improve, so I do this with the intention of seeing what I’ve done realistically and holistically, without beating myself up about things that I have not done, and to set myself up with that so I can blossom like a butterfly of clichΓ©s in 2019.

WHAT I DID

  • Developed and stuck to a skincare routine
  • On track to transfer out of community college to a 4-year
  • Took a graphic design class
  • Did an internship
  • Got another ear piercing
  • Improved time management
  • Take no shit (aka build confidence/strength in meself)

I feel pretty confident about being successful in doing these seven things. Some of them are pretty cut and dry, like I either got another hole in my ear or I didn’t, and some of them are a little more woo-ey and hard to measure, but in all of these I’ve made successful strides that I’m happy with.

I wash my face consistently and put shit all over it in hopes of it looking nicer (this goal was kind of easier to do bc my skincare was literally nonexistent, like wash my face perhaps twice a month status, so anything would’ve been a positive change from that), and I’ve gotten a second piercing in my earlobe (I am suspicious of the right one though, I think it may be having a bad time… fingers crossed no infection). My biggest goals were in the academic arena, and I feel pretty good on that front. I do have regrets like not getting more involved in community college or my internship office, but I fucking did the overall thing and I’m trying to just be πŸ™‚ about it instead of :/ about it. My time management is a bit spotty, but I think it’s gotten better overall – I took five classes, had a part-time job and internship, spent time with my boyfriend and a wee baby of a social life, took care of my cat and sometimes myself, and I’m, like, alive, you know? I did the main things I wanted to do.

The biggest thing I’m happy with looking back on 2018, that I didn’t expect to be the biggest thing at the beginning of this year, is taking no shit. This January I feel more at peace with myself than perhaps ever before, and I’m really hoping to take that and grow it in 2019 (and beyond!!) – I’ve improved my self-esteem a lot, and that’s a really rough thing for someone whose entire sense of humour is based on self-deprecation to say seriously lol. I feel capable and fine with myself, and I don’t know if I’ve ever felt that way before. I don’t say that in a woe-is-me kind of way, but like 4rlz. I was a kid with tons of anxiety and demanding parents who were (still are tbh) never happy and then I was depressed for most of my teen years. After my shitty mental health really consumed me, I almost forgot who I was without it and I had to figure it all out from scratch and rebuild myself. So this has been the first year where I’ve really felt like I have a handle on who the fuck I am and I don’t hate most of it.

WHAT I KIND OF DID

  • Learned to cook some more things
  • Reduced frivolous spending and impulse shopping
  • Stuck to my budget
  • Blogged once a week
  • Shared art on Instagram
  • Cultivated good friendships
  • Clean 15 minutes daily

This group is shit that I’ve definitely made improvements in, but not as much as I would have liked to consider it a full success. A good few of these I’ll be taking with me to 2019, because I really fucking want to do them consistently and when I did do them in 2018 I was better off for it, and hopefully I can figure out how to do it all better next year.

This year I feel that I was much more conscious of when I did bad things, like spending too much money for my budget or buying dumb things I don’t need or being super messy and eating frozen tacos for seven meals a day nine days a week. Most of the time I just kind of wallowed in “this is terrible I shouldn’t do this” before going “really quickly do the thing before your brain notices!!” and hitting the buy button or leaving the dishes, so next year I want that to actually lead to just not doing the Bad Thing instead of doing it and then Feeling Bad.

The sharing art on Instagram and blogging once a week thing are things I don’t actually super care about at the end of the year. Something from Pod Save America’s NYE resolutions episode struck me, when someone (I have forgotten her name unfortunately) said they were trying to look at the values and intentions behind the resolutions or goals they had. These two goals I set at the beginning of 2018 are, I’m realizing now, poor goals that don’t get to my core value of creating stuff, including physical art and online content. They seem to be more focused on having an audience which, at the end of the day, I don’t really care much about. I mean, I’m still here blogging to like three subscribers, two of which are my cat and my brother, for god’s sake. I clearly don’t give two shits about having a large following lol. So that’s a lesson to think fully and make sure my goals fit my values and help me do what I really want to do.

WHAT I DIDN’T REALLY DO AT ALL

  • Run for half an hour twice a week
  • Find a therapist to stick with
  • Learned more Chinese; practiced more
  • Make more original content for my studyblr
  • Make more art
  • Solo travel trip somewhere
  • Journal twice a week
  • Get another tattoo

Some of these I didn’t do and I’m completely fine with it, because I don’t feel like they actually impacted how my year went. I didn’t get another tattoo, and that’s fine, because I haven’t decided what I’d like my next one to be and I don’t want to get a thing inked permanently on my body just because I randomly decided I should do so by year’s end. I didn’t journal twice a week, but that’s fine too, because I blogged and talked to my boyfriend about my feelings and wrote in my planner and I already ruminate on things a whole ton, and I don’t think journalling helps me very much. I didn’t take a solo trip somewhere, but the opportunity didn’t super come up and I didn’t really feel the desire to make it happen anyway. I think these goals are, again, poorly matched for the value I intended to improve, or they were just kind of rigid and in hindsight don’t make a ton of sense for me.

A lot of these I really do want to do, and I’m bummed I didn’t. I really fucking want to improve my Chinese, make more art, and find a good therapist I do well with, and I genuinely believe that doing more of those things would improve my life overall. The only thing there is that doing all those things is hard and takes time and effort and it is so so easy to just… not. Why paint when you’re scared of making ugly things and also looking at mini dresses on Reformation is so easy????

One of these I did not do, and I’m unsure how I feel about it. I did not become a Consistent Runner at all by any stretch of the imagination. And on the one hand, should I just keep trying to run and somehow con my brain into enjoying that act? But on the other hand, why am I trying to force myself into doing this thing I do not like at all in hopes that I’ll magically start to enjoy it one day? On yet another hand, why does everything I do have to be something I like I kind of need to move my sedentary body for health reasons? On my nonexistent fourth hand, don’t my runner friends tell me you need to stick with it and then one day you’ll break through and reach that runner’s high? So, you see, I am unsure about this one. I do want to exercise and move my body, so I am thinking I’ll need to seriously think this shit through for 2019.

OK, my 2018 retrospective is done and I’ll be back to once again overshare with the internet and mull over what my hopes, dreams, and goals are for 2019! Thanks 4 reading my buds, and I hope this next year is good for us all.

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2 thoughts on “2018 πŸ’— a look back

  1. Pingback: 2019, i’m ready for ya | lobster lobster (+ other stories)

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