Life & Ramblings

2019, i’m ready for ya

*dnn dnn dunnn noises from Taylor Swift’s song of a somewhat similar name*


It’s the bookend to this post, where I stomp boldly forth into 2019 and proclaim all the things I hope I’ll do in the next 365 days! Technically, 350 days, because I have taken my sweet time in writing this.

This year, I’ve separated my ~goal~ categories into six areas of what I would like to work on/accomplish, with three main articulated hopes for each. Let’s get into it, I guess !

WITH MYSELF

  • Grow my confidence, self-esteem, and belief in myself
  • Less complaining and seeing the bad – more appreciating, peace, gratefulness, and acceptance
  • Be mindful and intentional with my time

I think I’ve grown a lot in the past few years, and it’s lowkey been a rl pain (nobody ever said depression was fun yo) but I think I feel myself settling into myself and being content and I’m ready to take me and go! I want to be confident in my abilities and myself and stop – or at least seriously reduce – the amount of time I feel shitty about meself. That’ll hopefully be helped by trying to have an outlook that is more focused on positives and untraining my brain from seeing what is lacking in any given situation. And lastly, this is just me saying I want to manage my time better. I’ve realized that multi-tasking is shite for the work I produce and my mind’s ability to focus (and science has said so too, of course, Google can tell you much more about that than I can), so I want to a) be 100% committed to whatever I’m doing at any given time, whether that means zeroing in on homework or a Brooklyn Nine-Nine essay, and b) really deliberate about what I spend my time on, because spending forty five minutes looking at swimsuit models on Instagram does NOTHING for me and why can’t I just learn to knit in that time or clean my various clothes piles??

WITH MY HEALTH

  • Exercise at least once a week
  • Find a therapist I like, go, and implement that good advice
  • Meatless Mondays

Dating my boyfriend for a little over two years has opened my eyes up to the world of a person who is, like, healthy. Mindblowing. I have never been a person who was very concerned with my physical health; I eat like shit (love frozen mini tacos and cheese puffs like nobody’s business), never exercise (I get winded walking up literally one flight of stairs), and have always spent a ton of time in my head and kind of thought of my body as just… the vessel that contained ‘me’? But that’s totally wrong! I am my mind and my body and we are one! (I also think it’s worth noting that I’ve largely been allowed to have this kind of mindset bc my body is quite small, and when I say “I never go to the gym!” I more often get “And you’re so skinny, it’s amazing!” type of reactions rather than “…And do you think you’re healthy?”) So with that earth-shattering realization had, I would like to take care of myself, from the inside out and the outside in.

To start off, I’d like to exercise at least once a week. I think I can do this, u kno? Between going on a run, doing an at-home video workout type thing, or tagging along to the gym with my bf, this feels….somewhat doable?!?! I’ve never met an exercise I didn’t dislike, so ideally, somewhere along the line I’ll stumble into workout nirvana and realize how ~good~* all the ~endorphins**~ feel, but it’s goddamn good to get moving lol and I need to do it.

On the mental health side, I want to start seeing a therapist consistently and work on that part of my health. The last time I was in therapy I feel like I hadn’t really made peace with myself having depression and anxiety and I felt all sorts of guilty and hostile about the whole thing, so I’m hoping I can approach it this go around with a more open mind and be welcoming of positive change and guidance and coping mechanisms so I don’t feel like gouging my eyes out as much.

My last one is less because I’m concerned about the impact of meat consumption on my health (I am SO SO selfish about eating omglob it is truly astonishing and I am ashamed) but because I’m concerned about the impact of meat consumption on the planet Earth’s health. I’ve been thinking about vegetarianism for a long time, always in a distant “one day when I’m old and have my life together…” sort of way, but the time is now, yeah??! I want to try and not have any meat on Mondays, in the hopes that it will introduce me to vegetarian cooking and recipes (if y’all know of any Chinese vegetarians, pls lmk bc my mom doesn’t believe they exist) and make the eventual transition to vegetarianism more doable.

WITH MY EDUCATION

  • Finish off community college strong
  • Successfully transfer to a 4-year I’m excited about and be doing well at year’s end
  • Get involved at aforementioned 4-yr with clubs, organizations, job, etc…

I’ll be graduating from community college (hopefully) later this year, and I really want to finish it off strong – by which I mean, keeping my 4.0 GPA and fostering good connections with professors, counselors, and people I’ve met here. After that I’ll be transferring to a 4-year school to finish my Bachelor’s degree and I really fucking want to be doing well at year’s end, and to get involved at that school with clubs or whatever. It’s easy to forget how amazing the opportunities I have access to and will have access to, whatever 4-yr I end up going to, and I want to take advantage of all of them. I mean, how lucky am I to be living in California, the state with In-N-Out and a great public university system? How lucky am I to live next door to our state capitol? How lucky am I to have peers who are doing cool fucking shit and willing to share it with all of us? How lucky am I to have the health and wealth to go to school and meet cool people and learn all this fascinating shit and hopefully be able to take it all and use it to help people?? OK that was a ramble lol, bottom line is, I have lots of opportunities and I don’t want to waste them, at CC and my eventual 4 year school!

WITH MONEY AND MATERIAL OBJECTS

  • Less shopping of clothes and that sort of thing, also reduce waste and disposable products – embrace a more minimal way of living and thoughtful consumption
  • Take care of your physical environment – clean it, keep it tidy, and maybe even nice
  • Save (at least) $5000

I have so much fucking shit and it’s ridiculous. I’ve been cleaning my childhood bedroom and it’s mind-boggling how much clothing I’ve acquired over the years (2 be fa1r, it helps that I haven’t grown an inch in any direction since I was 12 lol). I love art and fashion and style and clothing but my god, nobody needs more than 15 jeans. I really want to cut back on shopping for clothes and shoes and makeup and that sort of thing and, when I do, to do so more sustainably with second-hand clothing or stores like Reformation or Everlane. It’s good for literally everything – the environment, my anti-capitalist anti-consumerist values – except my velvet dress obsessed lizard brain which is to clothing what squirrels were to the dog Doug from Up.

With the second one, I don’t expect too much, but also I’m such a messy person that any small improvement would be great in this area. I want to have a physical space that makes me feel calm and safe and not anxious! I don’t want to feel like all my clothes and dishes and mail are going to swallow me up whole! I want the chain of hoarding tendencies in this family to end with me!

The last one’s pretty self-explanatory. In 2018 I did a lot of adult-y finance things, like get my own credit card and savings account and read some personal finance blogs, so I just want to keep on doing that sort of thing so I can one day be financially independent and idk buy a car and pay rent myself u kno! I have about this amount in my savings right now, from my part-time job, and I’m hoping I can at least double that amount by the end of the year.

WITH OTHERS

  • Cultivate good friendships
  • De-escalate and disengage with my parents
  • Be open – to loving, connecting, and being kind, especially with your loved ones

I suppose this would be like the ‘relationship’ category, and my goals here are simple: find the ones I click with and have a mutual love and appreciation, be a good friend/sister/girlfriend/etc to those people, and let go of relationships that are not positive but have been tearing me apart in the service of others.

WITH FUN

  • Take a solo trip somewhere 4 funz
  • Blog on WordPress three times a month
  • Improve my painting – finish Jenna Rainey’s book

These are fun things I want to do hehe, and are mostly the same as the last time I did this. I want to travel by myself (I think I might have the opportunity to kind of do this this summer! My dad may have a business trip to Italy, and I could go with him in which case he would be doing his work stuff and I could go out by myself – we’d still fly there and live together, so not entirely alone.. but every little counts), blog here three times a month (a reduction from last year’s ambitious weekly goal lmao), and improve my painting, in which I have handily added the concrete goal of finishing Jenna Rainey’s thirty day guide to watercolor painting.


In closing, I guess I want to just mention the general sentiment that resolutions and goals and shit like that at the beginning of a year are a bit pointless or disapproving of yourself and vehemently push back against those notions. I wholeheartedly believe in setting goals and hopes and dreams for yourself, which even if you don’t succeed at all, you’ve at least done something. And I mean… don’t we all want to improve ourselves?! And don’t we all have hope in ourselves to succeed and get better and better as we continue life?? I dislike the “new year same me” stuff as much as the “new year new me” stuff, because one gives off the vibe of “this is me accept it or fuck off h8erz and also I’m not willing to put in the work to change positively” and the other one is “I’m going cold turkey on all my bad habits and I’m gonna be a new person in 2 DAYS WATCH”. I think my feelings on all that are a pretty clear display of my ~life goal~* of balancing being simultaneously content with myself and always striving to learn, grow, and better myself.

Oh man, that was a lot. Props if you stuck with me through it all lol. I’d be interested in knowing your goals, hopes, dreams, and wishes for 2019, if you would be interested in sharing with me 🙂

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