1. is it spring break yet
January is over, and I am tiiiiired. This month, y’all. A lot has happened, both current events-wise and in relation to me. The U.S. has a new President, the Capitol was attacked by white supremacist Trump supporters, California is still in a bad pandemic place. I started my winter quarter of school, moved to an apartment, overbooked myself with school and other stuff and am trying to figure out how to work and rest.
I’m trying to figure out how to feel good. My therapist and I talked about this recently, and I’ve been thinking about it – I moved out and I’m processing it. I’m in a space which is my own, that feels safe, that feels like home. I feel impatient, like a switch should’ve flipped and I should’ve become Trauma Free Fun Time Max already. This is another one of those things I’m learning to be less hard on myself about. I’m processing things, I’m working through, I’m adjusting, and it’s natural that that takes time. It’d be bizarre if it was immediate. I’ve just started driving away, and the object in my rear view mirror will only get smaller from here. There’s so many months for the year to take a goddamn upturn! I’m trusting myself to be well throughout.
It feels odd to be doing things and trying to do things for myself when my country is, by most metrics, falling apart. I don’t really know what to make of it – this cognitive dissonance of being OK when so many aren’t.
2. good distractions
My Roommate is a Cat: A random anime we started watching about a lonely writer who adopts a cat. Hijinks ensue. I cried, I laughed, I found out it only got one season and cried some more. This anime was a random one up on the front page of the Funimation app and we clicked on it because the cat looks like our cat, but my god. Grief! Loss! Learning to love! True friendship! Overcoming social anxiety! Caring for others! Learning to care for the self! Not to mention a perfect depiction of the animal we call a cat!
Tickets To My Downfall: Perhaps the most surprising thing about 2020 has been the discovery that I enjoy Machine Gun Kelly’s music. I’ll be honest – this was a bit of a dismaying realization to come to. I switched the radio every time he came on rapping, but now it seems he’s pivoted into pop-punk-whatever-you-call-this-genre. Him? I asked myself. Really? And yet. The heart wants what it wants. My heart, as it happens, will perhaps always be into angsty white men with guitar music. And so it happens that I genuinely enjoy every musical track off this album and am still listening to it months after it came out. The interludes, where he’s talking with Pete Davidson and Megan Fox, are slimy wilted lettuce, and are shitty enough to take me out of my enjoyment. I record scratch into “my god, did this really have to be the new artist I discovered in 2020?” But then the next track starts and I get back to wailing along.
Heavy Is The Head: Another surprising music discovery has been that I’m into Stormzy. As my boyfriend said, “Who knew you’d be into grime?” Me. I would not know I’d be into grime. I don’t even know what that music genre means. This album clearly does not make me feel as “oh god, really?” as Machine Gun Kelly does, and I’ve never figured out how to talk about music other than “yes sound good I like”, so this paragraph is much shorter. All the tracks are good, I have nothing else to say. I also love the album art for this – the lighting, the deep green background, the overall color palette, the typography around his head, the tYPE AROUND HIS HEAD, the glint off his pec, I mean… So good. Chef’s snog.
3. reading log
Grief and a Headhunter’s Rage by Renato Rosaldo
‘He’s just tryna be black’: The Intersections of Blackness and Indigeneity in Hip Hop Culture (Chapter Four in Hip Hop Beats, 2018) by Kyle Mays
White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo in International Journal of Critical Pedagogy, 3, no. 3 (2011): 54-70.